“You look like Supermom. All you’re missing is the cape,” Emily from my vet’s office says to me with a big kind smile. As I stand with my sick dog’s leash around my waste, a very fussy two year old (tired and not allowed to pet every animal walking in), and an even more patient 7 year old (since arrival, his sister has claimed every toy from the little office shelf for herself), I think to myself looks can be deceiving. I hand the other secretary a 3rd credit card and ask her to charge the remainder of the balance. I can’t help but wonder how I let myself make small choices every day which lead me to be this single mom with (multiple) maxed out credit cards.
But as I write this blog entry at 4 am, I consider how yesterday I found myself in this situation. While I undertake this journey of revamping, I may have moments when I appear super. But appearances can be just that, appearances. I may appear to be a person with things in balance (or rather in ordered chaos), but August has brought me to the end of my savings, 7 consecutive nights of waking at 2 am (literally) unable to fall back to sleep, less than $200 in my bank account, and at the end of my lines of credit. I have been working for friends and family to make ends meet. I have part-time work lined up for the fall and some help in the form of child support (and time with the kids), but my financial status is grim. So why does part of me feel hopeful and super? Steve Kamb, author of Level Up Your Life (2016), says (I’m paraphrasing) we feel best when we are making progress, and I believe he’s right.
As a child and teenager, I used to write in a journal. My journals were an expression of my most joyful and most despair filled experiences. Whether it was a moment of awe as I watched the world come together at the Olympic opening ceremonies or moments of heartbreak, I always felt I was writing to someone else; sharing my thoughts with a mystery reader (though I rarely shared my journal entries with anyone). So to now be vulnerable and writing a blog for the whole world to see, I do have the feeling that I am making progress, and thus, super. While I don’t anticipate a blog will help my financial situation (anytime in the near future), pursuing a dream of writing is progress for me. I will continue to apply for jobs and take action to pay for my many years of poor choices. But, I have the courage to face my fears for the first time in a long time and this keeps me going.
My kids are healthy (and my dog will be soon), I have a roof over my head, and access to many luxuries (clean running water, hot water, heat/air conditioning). I have healthy food in the form of a weekly farm share, more than one friend and family member to call when circumstances get overwhelming, and multiple online teachers willing to share their experiences with me (for free). I feel grateful for my mind and my ability to express my thoughts. I am grateful to have emotions to help guide me in remembering my “Authentic,” self (Morris, Love, It’s How I Manifest, 2018). And I have you, my mystery reader, willing to read what I have to say.
So what am I saying? I am saying, no matter how grim things seem, there is hope. Finding a way to make progress each day is uplifting, and once you start building momentum, keep it going. When depression or anxiety hit, organize the utensil drawer or “do the dishes,” (White, How to Manage Your Home without Losing Your Mind, 2016).
Don’t spend another moment in situations that don’t serve you. Listen to the emotions that bubble up within you. Don’t allow your thinking mind to assign a reason, but rather acknowledge the presence of the emotion and find a way to let it go (Hawkins, Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, 2014 and Love It’s How I Manifest, 2016). Reach out to others who are better off than you and help others who are not. Stay connected to yourself and to people that uplift your spirit (or bring you peace), even if they come in the form of a writer on the internet. And, don’t give in to the negative feelings.
As far as I know, you have one beautiful opportunity to design your best life. Don’t waste it with moments of putting yourself down or being a self-critic. Be willing to feel the bad stuff and then let it go. Be willing to learn and grow when you make mistakes. Be willing to change the structure of your life, making small improvements each day. When reading Facebook leaves you feeling upset or bitter, deactivate it. Listen to your heart and your gut when your mind is playing tricks and leading you astray from your best path.
Love yourself first. Form friendships with people that make you feel safe and with whom you can be genuine. And remember, no matter how grim a moment (or several moments) may feel, you are not alone. We are born into this world feeling separate, but we are not. I am certain someone reading this will feel connected to my words, as I have found myself connected to many others. Consider this….. what you (and I) contribute to the world is special (my grandma, all my life).
Be your authentic self (Morris, 2018), level up your life (Kamb, 2016), and walk the road less traveled (Peck, 1978). Don’t be afraid to revamp the things that are not working to serve your greatest self, no matter how painful it may feel. There is relief; you only need to be ready to let yourself feel it. Take a deep breath right now. You are here. Be here.
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And thank you for reading Revamped by Ray.
Rachael Faith 
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